Friday, August 5, 2011

bend, but don't break

Today marks the one year anniversary of some pretty hard things in my life. I wish I didn't remember what today means. It's just one of those things when the date sticks with you. Like you remember birthdays and holidays, only I really don't want to celebrate today.
It's incredible to me, looking back on the past year, how some things change so drastically, even while life goes on in the same way. A year shows how much healing can occur, and how much pain is still left over. It shows how nothing can change while things are never quite the same. This past year has proven to me how strong I am. And how I'll never be strong enough alone.
I haven't spoken much to many about the last year in my life and the struggles that I have faced, but perhaps someday I will say more. For now I am just thinking, paying homage to a day that for me is best forgotten, saying a prayer of thanks for the healing and rescue I have found in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, for those who have dealt me comfort, peace and friendship even without knowing how badly I needed those things, and hoping that those out there who need help and strength will know where to find it.
A few months ago I changed the title of my blog to My Unconquerable Soul, a line from the famous William Henley poem, "Invictus". I know that all of us go through really hard things that stretch us and hurt us and make us feel like we are going to break. I also know that we don't have to let those things define us. Henley thanked "whatever gods may be", but I know to whom I can look for redemption and peace. And I am so grateful for my unconquerable soul.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


2 comments:

Tim and Katie Jean said...

Mandy-
You are an amazing woman. I understand you completely. There are events in everyone's life like this. I have a couple of my own. Please know that you are loved and prayed for and thought of and envied. :) I can only hope to be the woman that you are someday.
<3 you bunches!

Chadster and Brittster said...

Sorry to hear about your pain, I don't know what happened but my heart goes out to you. I love that poem so much, and I also love the response poem to it when Orson Whitney heard Invictus. Its my favorite and I'm sure you've heard it but in case you haven't its called:

The Soul’s Captain
by Orson F. Whitney