Here is a copy of our family's Christmas Letter/Card this year. Just in case you were interested. And if you weren't, well...
move along.
I'll wait...
Hey friends.
I didn’t really have time to come up with a cute Family
Christmas Card this year, so I found a form-letter online that I’m going to use
to send you Christmas Greetings from the Tietjen Family. I have never really
done this before, so please bear with me a moment…
[Greeting,]
–nailed it.
[Open
by warmly expressing interest in audience’s past year, followed by assuming
their interest in your family’s current happenings.] –What he said.
[Begin
listing family members one-by-one, cataloging accomplishments, major occurrences,
and the High Point of each person’s
year.
Editor’s
Note: Be sure to leave out embarrassing and inconsequential details, as making
your family seem ordinary and less-than-perfect will surely turn your reader
off. There is nothing so unattractive as one’s humanity showing.] …okay…
that’s a bit harsh. Oh well, that should be easy?
Klayton:
K is just about to finish his last semester as an undergraduate with a major in
History, a minor in French, and a glare that will melt the flesh off of your
face à la Indiana Jones’s last crusade if you dare ask him what he plans to do
with such a useless degree. He has spent a particularly intense fall semester
as a full time student taking 22 credit hours while working three jobs and
spending two months of his “free time” coordinating the sale of his property
management business, a six-year-old venture that he is not too terribly sad to
see the back of. His application letters to graduate schools are all “in the
mail”, so to speak, and he is eagerly awaiting the Golden Ticket to four more
years of college that one of these institutions of higher learning is sure to
offer him. Preferably attached to a bar of chocolate, but we will take what we
get.
High Points:
Making the Dean’s List for all three semesters of school he attended in 2014
(apparently in college being on the Dean’s List is a good thing) and
binge-watching TV shows on Netflix much-too-late into the night with Mandy (see
below).
Mandy: Never one to waste an opportunity, Mandy has
spent much of the past year having an elaborate nervous breakdown due to
stress, lack of sleep, and dangerously high amounts of caffeine intake (mostly
intravenously and/or via fistfuls of chocolate chips taken on the hour, every
hour). She, too, has worked multiple jobs this year, including office manager
(see extinct property management business), online content author, and,
recently, a seasonal retail worker at her local Kohl’s. Oh, and she also mothers
three children (see below) and even occasionally glimpses her spouse
(above). Mandy placed first in her age
group in a 10K this summer, which enabled her to strut around like she was cool
for a good forty-five minutes, until she accidentally strutted past a mirror.
Mandy turned thirty last month and decided to celebrate with an elaborate big
screen viewing of The Goonies,
inarguably the greatest film of her or any generation. She also was recently called to be the Primary
Chorister at church, a job that she is intensely excited about but trying
really hard to play it cool so just don’t blow it for her, okay?
High Points:
Receiving her Bachelor’s Degree (English Literature – don’t even say it.
Serious side effects of her glare include
facial-flesh-melting AND low sperm
count) in the mail and throwing elaborate parties for any and every occasion
she could think of (although, oddly, not for said college graduation).
Avery:
Having turned seven in May, Avery spends most of her time planning her upcoming
marriage (I won’t embarrass her by naming the groom-to-be, but if we could go a
day without discussing her eventual nuptials I would be so, so pleased), discovering
how the world works and then passing on the info to her ever-attentive little
sister. Avery is enjoying school immensely (except for homework, but that’s not
technically school and anyway no one ever
cares for homework… so I guess all of this really goes without saying),
especially recess (Duh) and reading time. Avery has discovered her love of books
this year with the help of friends like Junie B. Jones and Roald Dahl (and the
fact that Mom pays her $1 for every chapter book she reads. When you’re seven,
$1/book is hitting pay dirt, hard).
High Points:
Her elaborate BYO Stuffed Animal birthday extravaganza at our local zoo,
beginning gymnastics classes with a friend, and our road trips to Washington,
Oregon, Nevada, Utah, Arizona and South Dakota where she got to see
sorely-missed friends, family, and Mt. Rushmore.
Carter:
If you took all of the energy emitted by the sun in a given moment and infused
it into a firecracker which you then shoved up a unicorn’s butt, you would have
a portion of Carter’s explosive, sparkly, and warm personality. Carter’s
perfect day looks something like this: Wake up. Eat breakfast (Immediately. No
seriously. Now. Mom. Is breakfast ready yet? I’m hungry. Mom….) Have a play
date with her best (“best best best best”) friend. Eat lunch. Take a
seventy-five minute bath. Make Finn cry by giving him one (ten) too many hugs.
Hang on her big sister’s every word. Sing fifty-five songs (forty of which are
Carter Originals; the others are from Frozen, obvs). Eat dinner (two bites).
Eat dessert (two helpings, please). Go to bed (code for make Big Sister giggle late into the night). Repeat.
High Points:
Her Unicorn-themed forth birthday party, every time she got to see Brooklyn and
Xavery, playing soccer and beginning gymnastics, and anytime the camera was on
her (girl can mug for a photo like no one’s business).
Finn:
This year Finn went from sleeping more than he was awake to
“Holy-crap-will-you-ever-go-to-sleep-?-Please-I-am-begging-you-stop-climing-into-everything-!-Oh-no-,-he-fell-down-again-.-Finn-please-get-down-put-it-down-sit-down-you’re-grounded!!!”
This year Finn taught his parents that little boys truly are different than
little girls in more than just the diaper department. Finn loves: saying hi to
strangers, giving high fives, saying “CHEESE!” for the camera, throwing
everything on the ground, taking baths, being INTENSELY adorable and climb-ing-on-to-ev-ery-thing. Finn dislikes:
nursery, being told “NO!” and any food that isn’t candy.
High Points:
One word: Halloween. Finn figured out the racket that is Halloween in about
four seconds, flat. After that he would waddle up to each door without help
(mom and dad just slowed him down), hold out his pumpkin-shaped Halloween bag,
say “TRIHH-TREEEE” (roughly translated- Trick or Treat), smile, receive the
forth-coming compliments from the adoring masses as well as his (well-deserved)
handful of candy, say “TAAY TUUU” (thank you) and shout “HAAH HAOWEE!!” (Happy
Halloween. Or, more likely, “See you, Suckas!!”) over his shoulder as he
toddled back to his stroller. He would then imperiously ride to the next
driveway, where he would repeat the process.
[Once
you have given way too much information on each family member, insert more
formalities about wishing readers health, wealth, happiness and all of that
other nonsense here.] Riiiight… Listen, this thing is getting way too long.
No one is still reading at this point, anyway. I’ll just skip this part.
[Close
with something clever and memorable.] Ummm Thanks for, like, reading and
stuff? …I really hope I’m filling this thing out correctly…
[Expression
of Fondness,] Peace out, you guys!
[Your
Family’s Name Here]
The
Tietjen Family
